The Self Talk Within Us
Have you ever actually listened to the things you say to yourself? You may be shocked at what you hear.
The day I was given the opportunity to actually hear myself for the first time, was really eye opening and I'll never forget it. I never thought of myself as being abusive, but...
It all started when I was on my way to my dance class.
I set the intention that I was going to focus on working on my flow, transitioning from one movement to the next. I had the best instructors in my class and their fluid movements, poise, and control were impeccable.
That was my goal for today's classes. I was excited, motivated and couldn't get there fast enough!
The first class started and I was raring to go! As Makayla demonstrated the choreography we would be learning in the class that day, my heart jumped because it was a beautiful combination of easier movements that was super flowy! The universe was lining up and I was right there with it!!!
Well...that's where it all started to go downhill.
For some unknown, unforeseen, uncanny reason, all of a sudden, I couldn't put the pieces together. I couldn't remember one movement to the next which then caused my appearance to be choppy and the complete opposite of what I wanted. Instead of being able to focus on the flow, I found myself focusing on what I was supposed to do next.
I was so incredibly frustrated as a result that I proceeded to beat myself down in my thoughts. Have you ever been there?
I was saying to myself:
WTF, Aki... Seriously, you can't get this?
Why the hell can't you do this move? Any other time, you're rolling circles around the room?!
I am a f-ing idiot.
I'm incapable of doing anything right.
This is pathetic.
I can't believe, the ONE TIME, she gives us something simple and I can't even REMEMBER. THE F-ING. CHOREOGRAPHY. (Said through gritted teeth)
The frustration with myself grew more and more until I felt utterly defeated. I was clearly flustered at that point because it went on...and on...and on...
Yeah. It was a bad day for me. It was, what I considered, my rendition of a meltdown.
It was bad enough that someone came to me and said, “girl, you got this!”
I was so disgusted, flustered and fed up, So there I was, laying on the floor staring up to the ceiling, tears welling up in my eyes, because there was absolutely no reason why I couldn't pull my shit together. I decided there was no point in continuing and sat out the rest of the class. This class was choreo. The next class was technique.
So, I calmed myself down and joined in on the next class – a technique class. This was a level 4 class and was more advanced, doing more difficult tricks, and lo and behold...nailed it! Why was I able to do the spins and inverts that were more technically challenged but couldn't manage to put simple, easy steps together earlier? I have no clue.
The Wake Up Call
However, while driving back home that night, I reflected over the day. My thoughts immediately went to the horrible ugly words I spoke to myself. It was like I watched an instant replay, slow motion, in my head while hearing the words/names I called myself during that event. I could see myself trying to do something, while hearing the harsh unrelenting critical words beating me down.
Never in my life have I been able to “see” myself like that.
I've been fortunate that I've never been subjected to that kind of abuse and yet there I was, being subjected to it by my own self.
No one deserves to hear those kinds of words and names directed to them. The anger I had and the intensity of the frustration towards myself, by my own self, was bad. No one should be subjected to that abuse. Not even me.
That realization overcame me with a swiftness. The tears began to flow.
It was an aha! moment that left me speechless, jaw dropping, and silent.
At that moment, I told my body, I'm sorry for treating myself in such an
ugly way. The words I said were unrelenting. What I thought of myself was cruel. I would never treat anyone like that. I didn't deserve that and I will never treat myself so harshly again. If I won't love, honor, and respect myself, why would/should anyone else?
We only have one body. Each of us is rare and unique. There isn't another human being on the face of this earth that is identical to you. We have this one body that will last us our entire life. The question is, do you truly love, honor and respect your body?
Food for thought.